Confession: I Don’t Want My Daughter to be a Teen Slut Like Me

I wish I could pick and choose how my daughter is like me. Right now I know how much she looks and acts like I did as a young child. I’d give her my sense of humor and academic skills, but withhold the busty chest, self-doubt, and low self-esteem.

18 year old me.

Fickle self-esteem

Maybe it’s because my home life was unstable throughout my formative years or that I got fat around third grade or developed breasts in fourth grade, but my self-esteem and self-worth were all over the map. I grew up knowing I was smart. I mostly knew I was loved by my family, but I never felt like I belonged.

I often felt out of place.

I felt different… weird.

I craved acceptance and constant reassurance that people liked me. That I was funny. That I was smart. (I guess you could say there’s still some of that in my place even now.)

There are things about me that I thought very highly of – like my intelligence and creativity. Everything else was a crapshoot on any given day. For the most part I was confident and comfortable with my body, but only after I learned how to use it.

My ticket to being desired

The thing about craving love and acceptance is how it can lead you down the wrong path. Mix low self-esteem with teenage hormones and I was a hot mess. I liked boys, but they didn’t like me… at first.

I’ve struggled with my body image for a long time. It’s still a sore subject for me no matter how I try to cover it up. Being the fat kid is never easy. Add in early boobs that become a new source of insecurity and unwanted attention, then glasses too. I’m thankful I never needed braces.

Well, after losing weight by half starving myself, I started getting compliments. From friends. From family.

I looked good. (Or better, at least. I still didn’t like to sit down in front of anyone in case they saw belly rolls.)

Then I got a boyfriend.

And another.

And another…

Quickly and repeatedly I confused sex for love. I was never without a “boyfriend” for long. Sometimes I was even seeing more than one at a time. It became almost like a game. Guys would cheat on their girlfriends with me. I’d break up with a guy then turn around and date his best friend.

It was bad… now that I can look back at it. I’m lucky my poor decisions and mistakes didn’t impact my life in a bigger way. Though I feared my sleeping around in my younger years had something to do with our trouble conceiving. Testing showed it hadn’t, but that scared and infuriated me for awhile.

I don’t want her to be like me as a teenager

I want my daughter to do well in school and have a bright future. I want her to do “safe” stupid things. I want her to have friends and have fun.

I do not want her to be a slut like me.

It’s funny, because I refused to believe I was one back then. Of course a few choice people would sling that term at me.

“They’re just jealous,” I’d tell myself.

And maybe they were, because they certainly didn’t have my best interests in mind. But, I was one. I was surrounded by people but so lonely that I sought the only comfort I knew how to get.

And every time I was convinced they liked me more than they really did. I thought most of them really loved me and if they didn’t, that they at least were my friend.

It’s a hard truth to swallow

I can’t tell you what those guys really thought of me, nor do I want to know now. My parents weren’t bad parents. I grew up in an oddly dysfunctional way, but I don’t know exactly how that factored in. Thankfully I slowed down in college. I matured and entered into meaningful relationships (and eventually met my amazing husband). I regained my self-worth, even if it still fluctuated.

But how do I prevent this from happening to my daughter? How do I teach her that she’s too valuable to be used like that… that love isn’t found between the sheets?

Building her self-esteem starts now… and hopefully she’ll have a stronger sense of self than I did. I suppose I will need to be honest with her about my own experiences. I suppose I could have her read this as well as the love lessons I wrote for her.

I need to teach her to love herself. I believe that I wouldn’t have been so free with my heart and body if I hadn’t struggled with my own self-image and worth.

Knowing what you did as a teenager, do you worry about what your kids might do?

Darcy Zalewski

Darcy is the founder of “Life With Darcy and Brian,” where she combines her love for education, board games, and crafting to create engaging learning experiences for kids. Her creative projects and writing have been featured in outlets like The Toy Insider, CafeMom, Mom.com, Parents.com, Country Living, and The Pioneer Woman.