Growing Up Through Infertility and Loss

 I asked Maria if she would share a story with you for Fertility Awareness Month.

The Reality

I grew up knowing that I would have problems conceiving a baby, because I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I grew up knowing that I had to find a special person to accept that fact and go through all the trials and tribulations that such a journey entails. Four years ago, that happened. I met the man that I knew would be the father of my children. He was already a Dad to three little boys. The youngest was three months old when I held him in my arms for the first time.

Holding that tiny person, made my desire to become a mother even stronger. The need, the desire burned as strong as a candle lighting the way through a storm. In that moment there was nothing I wanted more.

Dream Come True

We tried to conceive naturally for two years. That meant committing to waking up at a certain time every morning to take my basal body temperature (BBT), charting said temperatures, and becoming addicted to pregnancy and ovulation kits. Yes it became and still is an addiction. I have over 200 pee sticks in a shopping bag under the bathroom sink. They’re used at peak times throughout my cycle or just at random, if I feel the least bit nauseous, dizzy or crampy.

In June of last year I received my first ever “Big Fat Positive” on a test – on a pregnancy test! I couldn’t believe it! I must have used at least ten other tests throughout the day to make sure I wasn’t seeing thing. I wasn’t, I was pregnant. The following day I called my OB/GYN to run some tests and make an appointment. I was beyond excited, scared, and in disbelief.

Was this really happening? Was this real? I started dreaming of baby feet and hands. Started imagining what the baby would like, who she would look like?

The Ugly Truth

Two days later I started to cramp and some spotting presented itself. My husband convinced me to go to the emergency room to get checked out. On the way there, I was told that I fainted from the pain and began to heavily bleed.

It was Father’s Day weekend, and I just lost my first baby. I destroyed my husband’s dream of becoming a Dad again. I know that I didn’t do it, I know that I didn’t cause the miscarriage to happen – but I felt like I did. I felt guilty. The “What If’s” started to set in, and every scenario imaginable began to play in my mind.

Growing Up ~ Emotionally

Our lives changed after this moment. Life became real. Death became real. I was pregnant for only a few weeks, and knew about it for only a few days, but I loved the life growing inside of me. I loved her with all my soul. When I lost her, she took a piece of me with her. I quickly became distant, depressed, my libido diminished, and my husband began questioning if I still loved him.

Of course I still loved him!

It was because of him I wasn’t wandering off like The Lady in White crying for her lost child in the middle of the night!

We finally sat down, and cried together. We understood then, that we did in fact share the same dream. To have a baby together, and grow our family. Through that entire phase of depression, I didn’t realize how much my husband was hurting.

Infertility Is a Couple’s Problem

We decided to finally take the step for medical intervention. We made our first appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, she was a heartless person, and we never went back. She just didn’t seem to understand the pain we went through. She only saw a chunky couple and almost immediately refused to help us. To say we were disappointed is an understatement. We saw our only flicker of hope just fly out the window with a cold breeze.

New Found Hope and An Online Magazine

While researching for a better, more compassionate doctors, I started writing about my infertility on my blog. The outreach and support from other women, men, and couples was amazing! This sparked an idea. I wanted to help other couples through their infertility journey. There are many online forums and support groups, but they’re mostly aimed at women. There were barely any that supported the couple as a whole.

One night I was up late talking to a friend of mine, also a blogger who is also suffering from PCOS and Infertility. I asked her how she felt about starting an online Fertility Magazine. Unbeknownst to me she had already bought a domain a year before, and it was the same exact name I wanted to call it, Fertile Fairy. This was beyond coincidence and we immediately began to brainstorm. In a few short months we launched the site and it was a success, literally overnight. Our words to one another were, “If only we could get pregnant this quickly!”

The site talks about Fertility in general! There are so many aspects to conceiving and we bring all of this to the surface. Not only has it been an outlet for us, but other couples are learning and sharing their stories with the world as well!

For myself, I finally found an RE who not only is supportive of me and my husband, but also understands infertility from a personal standpoint. She understands loss as well. We discovered a polyp in my uterus. I had surgery, and now I’m on my way to finally starting Clomid to help me ovulate, and then she will concentrate on keeping me pregnant. I hope that this story does have a happy ending. I hope that your story does too!

What’s your Fertility story? Did you know June is Fertility Awareness Month?